My Love For You is Unspoken

UNSPOKEN

2008-01-28T02:14:00.001+08:00

I almost don't remember this blog.
It's an uncharted island that I wanted to forget.

WHAT DO YOU LIVE FOR WHEN EVERYTHING THAT YOU LIVED FOR IS GONE?

It's been 4 months since I lost the girl that I have loved with all that I am.
I still cannot accept it.
I loved her as I have never loved anyone before.
I wished nothing but her happiness even if it meant that I have to sacrifice mine.
I loved her with everything that I have, with all that I can give.
My only wish was to be with her for all my life.
I was her best friend, but she was my life.
And on the night of 15th September 2007 I lost my life.
My heart stopped beating, my mind froze, my body lost its soul.
I was ripped apart, crumbled, trashed.
I was lost, everything was gone.
I am nothing but a souless person walking without a heart.
She lay there, as peaceful as ever, with a bruise or two on her beautiful face.
As I stood there, looking at the girl I loved most, I lost control.
I cried like I never did. She was no longer with us. She was gone.
I wanted to hug her, to hold her, to tell her I loved her.
I called her but she never responded.
Every night I wished it was just a dream. But I never woke up from that dream.
As she was laid on her resting place, I knew she was there.
I felt the breeze blow against me as if it was comforting me.
I knew it was her when I saw a yellow butterfly fluttering near Celine.
I knew. It was her.

I often visit her grave. I talk to her, just like we used to.
Only, now she doesn't answer. I am the only one talking.
But it's okay.
When I'm sad, I talk to her.
When I'm happy, I tell her why.
When I'm angry, I let her know.
Sometimes I cry there, sometimes I laugh.
She's my best friend.
I love her.
It was unspoken.
I love her more than I love myself, and this is true.
She never knew.
She never noticed.
Now everything's too late, my love has gone to heaven.
She took my heart and my soul with her,
but she never knew.
She never knew how much she means to me,
Just how much I love her.
Before I leave her grave, I whisper my silent love.
Oh how I wish she could hear me.

As I sit here, typing, how I wish I could turn back time.
Turn it back to when she could still hear me say my heart.
I love you.

Can you hear me? Listen.
I LOVE YOU AYNEE.
MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD.
MORE THAN MYSELF, MORE THAN LIFE.
I LOVE YOU MORE THAN LOVE.
I LOVE YOU AYNEE.

Online memorial

2007-09-18T01:38:00.001+08:00

if you're reading this, please go to:

www.rememberingaynee.blogspot.com

A letter to heaven

2007-09-17T01:21:00.000+08:00

Hi. This is Shirley Hsu Han Xue, Joseph's sister.
I would like to say, first of all, that I am using this because I don't have one.
I'm here to release my emotions of grief and loss, of a friend who had been like my sister.
Joseph and I had known Aynee for quite sometime now, and we couldn't have guessed it would be a time so short.
I don't know what to say, this grief is too sudden and too painful.
So let me just leave a poem for a dear friend, Aynee luy suan hwe.

She’s Free

by Judy Gagnon

I knew you had to go away
it was your time you see
but I didn’t take the time to face
that you were leaving me.

You weren’t afraid of dying
for you knew what lay in store
in the blinking of an eye
or the closing of a door.

You shared with us a journey
that only you could see
and helped us understand God’s way
as it was meant to be.

Life had so restricted you
your spirit is now free
to go explore the universe
for all eternity.

Sick

2007-06-26T06:08:00.000+08:00

I am so sick. I have a fever and I cannot sleep at all. well ah? Anyway, I was busy revising the whole holidays! So many homeworks yet so little time! I wonder how people managed to enjoy their holidays with heavy loads like these! I'm a loser. Anyway, I have tight schedule for the whole week =( And I am sick. That is the worse. And we have exams. Life is so hard. RJC is the best Jc yes, but not in terms of homeworks! oh no. Need to change now. So long! The sickhead is going to school =p

wo bestie

2007-05-31T18:23:00.001+08:00

I got this bit from Mathew! It says it's Aynee in Cambridge, going out (to ballet lessons I think) in her ballet shoes. She did have more weight back then. =D Thank you Shirley for grabbing this! =) Oh it's real cute =)

Apologies

2007-05-31T02:34:00.000+08:00

It's been quite a long time since I blogged, actually a month or two? Sorry about that =) Anyway, I can't sleep tonight, and you know why? It's really really sad =(

Aynee and I quarelled =( It happened this afternoon at school. Quite trivial. I do admit it's my fault and I'm very disgraced. Anyway, So I thought of blogging since it's very quiet and I cannot sleep at all. EDRIX I DO NEED TO TALK TO YOU AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

Okay this is called 50 FIRST
REACTIONS... type what comes to your
mind first whenever you hear these 50
words. Don't think and don't go back
and change. Doesn't matter how random
just type it!

1. Beer:
- boys

2. Food
- roast beef

3. Relationships:
- impossible

4. Your CRUSH:
- far away

5. Power Rangers:
- punch machine

6. Life:
- HER

9. The President:
- old man

10. Yummy:
- roast beef

11. Cars:
- F1s

12. Movie:
- pirates of the Carribean

13. Halloween:
- Dark and gloomy

14. Sex:
- adults

15. Religion:
- God

16. Myspace:
- realmish

17. Fear:
- losing her

18. marriage:
- HER

19. Blondes:
- accented

20. SLIPPERS:
- plain

21. SHOES:
- comfortable

22. Asians:
- us

23: Past time:
- serving

24. One night stands:
- last resorts

25: Cell Phone:
- bills

27: Smoke:
- pollutants

28: Wish:
- HER

29: COLLEGE:
- study

30: Highschool Life:
- Taiwan

31. Pajamas:
- bed

32. stars:
- destiny

33. Fitness
- muscles

34. Alcohol:
- kenneth

35. The word love:
- bittersweet pain

36. Friends:
- Rafflesians alike

37. Money:
- bank

38. Heartache:
- HER

39. Time:
- dawn

40. Divorce:
- highly unlikely

41. Dogs:
- gifts

42. Undies:
- shirley

43. Parents:
- mom and dad at home

44. Babies:
- fragile

45. Stripper:
- indecent

46. Blogs:
- unupdated

47. News:
- Gov't and Crime

48. Weddings:
- HER walking down the aisle

49. Pizza:
- Roast beef toppings

50. Kleenex:
- tear tissues

As wished. =) Tomorrow I hope everything will be normal. I swear I could die if it ain't. =(

Family matters

2007-03-26T20:06:00.000+08:00

I seriously just forgot about blogging. Seriously. School's have been so hectic. I've got tests and still have to do some research. There are also upcoming homeworks and new stuff to read on. Like Chem and Math. Plus, we have to be fit for PE and as for me, basketball. I want to ask the teachers up front, "How do you expect us to be capable of all those CCAs if you always keep us awake the whole night?"

I'm starting to think RJC is killing people. Now I realize how important Shirley's tip to me is: "Study hard in RJC or else you'll find yourself dead." Young ones, JC is hard. It is also very important though. And besides, I find myself in midst of the smartest people in Singapore, how else can I complain? =( And RJC is often dubbed as the best. This must be what it means to be dead.

Anyway, my last night out was last night, with the Luy's (Aynee's) and the Hsu's (mine). We went to East coast and cycled. Or at least Aynee and I did. Shirley and Hanna skated. Hanna was really fun to get along with, she's so cute =) And shirley loves kids so they both enjoyed. I was thinking of how Aynee looks so much like her and how I never noticed until I saw Hanna skated 50 or so meters away. Cool huh? I learned so much last night, during dinner (at Holland Vilage). Family's important. So much of my time with friends and my CCA plus various activities, I actually forget about my family. And so, last night, I made them all feel loved =) So I love my family, and that's all that matters. Mom Dad Shirley, wo ai ni =)

Went to Raffles Boulevard after, had lots of talks and everyone laughs and laughs, even little Hanna who I bet did not understand half the topic. Hahaha =D Aynee's mom is the most hospitable mom ever, and she gets along with my mom very very very well. When they talk, they seem to get lost to old ladies' world. Haha =D Aynee's dad was asking me about a hundred or so stuff, but everything's interesting so I was okay. What I loved the most is that he will play with me sometime this week! I can't wait to play and learn more Basketball from him! So cool!

And I want to react to Aynee's post! I wasn't drowsy when I fetch her from Grace's! It's because I wasn't up the whole night! Shirley woke me up at around 2 am for sending Aynee off so I did. Hanna's a little hassle to carry (and she's wet from swimming) but it's fine. I was a little bit sad I cannot join the fun with the clan, but it's okay as I was serving mom. Again, family matters =)

To RI boys:
A play sometime this week, you're going down.
=)

A month away! But I'm back!

2007-03-19T18:48:00.000+08:00

It's been so long since I sat in fornt of my computer, blogging. I "escaped" to Taiwan for nearly a month to attend my uncle's burial =( The first week was really sad, everyone has big plumps of eyes from crying (including me). Shirley looked like a vampire! You know, like she haven't slept for a thousand years or cried for a century. As for me, I was really sad and wished my uncle could come back, but all I can do is cry and bid him farewell. That's for the first week. My second week was spent with my friends, who were overjoyed to see me back! And so was I =)

We spent the whole week together, the guys (joe, jerry, mathew, aloo, and the whole boys of class A) and I went to Taichung! We were clubbing (tuesday night I think) when we saw Angela Zhang! Yeah she's very very pretty =p Her voice is too nice too! Then we went to shop with the boy's girlfriends, and some of our girls. We were bored the whole time while the girls were shopping (and laughing) like mad. I wonder why shopping makes them happy? I mean, that's just a whole waste of $$$.

I think I gained a lot of weight, though I'm not obessed. Not totally. Haha =D This is due to my uncle's delicacy which I have been eating since I went back. He's a chef mind you, so that explain why. If you count all the Ice cream and macs and snacks joe asked everyone to eat, you'd probably scream like mad. It must have weight around 900 kgs or something. =) Ice cream reminds me of my bestie all the time =) I was promoting Sg to everyone and most promised to drop by! But promises are half meant aren't they? Haha those guys are lame mind you. Taiwan haven't changed a bit. It's the same, except for my friends who either grew their hair or lost it totally. And for the girls, they either had it too long or too short. =p Anyway they brought me to school, and our Ling Lao shi was kinda glad to see me so much, she offered lunch! No, I didn't add to that 900 kgs. We simply toured around and greeted everyone. I was kinda shocked that most of the younger highs know me! It was good =)

I also visited my cousins and I had a great big hug from everyone! My young cousins insisted on hugging me while my older cousins thought better: destroyed my hair. And you say older people are mature huh? =D It doesn't show! We also played basketball, cousins A vs cousins B. We won by 6 pts! But we lost on the DOTA, by a huge margin. I guess we aren't so techy. So we spent most days in a challenge counting how much we won or lost. Oh my, mahjong was great =)

That's so much for my Taiwan homecoming, I went back to Singapore this morning at 3am. Shirley fetch me. I went straight to Aynee's after some rest at around 6. I guess she just woke up cos she looked like someone pulled her hair. Haha =D But she cried the moment she saw me, my shoulder was drenched man. Like I had dipped it in a pool. And my neck's nearly broken with her hugs. Haha =D Girls, why do you do that? You seriously want to get some people killed? But I appreciate it so much =) And she asked a lot of questions continuously, I nearly drowned in them. Now I'm so much guilty for making my bestie cry =( I nearly (only!) cried, but I had manly pride. Haha =D

We went to school together, as usual, had econs, physics, went to theater room to watch some drama, then physics for some mice. Haha =D Then we went to play with Celine's puppy! She treated me to some Ice cream, and we went to her house. Her dad welcomed me and I found out he ate half of the food I brought home from Taiwan. And March 14 just passed, and since Aynee gave me something on Vday, I remembered the Japanese tradition thing and gave her a gift =) Her dad wants one too. Haha

Anyway, I went home very happy =) I'm still very euphoriotic about what just happened today, and it's nothing short of heavenly =)

I still have a mission to accomplish and wish me luck!

There's just you and me now.

2007-03-10T20:34:00.000+08:00

I'm in Taiwan.

I'd be home soon.

WAIT FOR ME.

THANK YOU MARY =)

2007-02-18T13:29:00.000+08:00

MARY TAN! She does really? There's a chance? I'm now being so happy! Ultimately! Thank you Mary! =)

[09:17] • Mary.• testosterone boys and harlequin girls.: she finks ure cute though
::
[08:24] • Mary.• testosterone boys and harlequin girls.: im sorry 2 tell u this
[08:24] • Mary.• testosterone boys and harlequin girls.: but once she's attached,
[08:25] • Mary.• testosterone boys and harlequin girls.: its like, thre's a n' hands-off' on her[08:25] • Mary.• testosterone boys and harlequin girls.: im reli sorry 4 u
::
[08:31] • Mary.• testosterone boys and harlequin girls.: luk, they'r onli 16
[08:31] • Mary.• testosterone boys and harlequin girls.: they wont get married
::
[08:46] • Mary.• testosterone boys and harlequin girls.: tat's like hope 2 u
[08:46] • Mary.• testosterone boys and harlequin girls.: u might b wid (censored)
::
[08:59] • Mary.• testosterone boys and harlequin girls.: lol
[08:59] • Mary.• testosterone boys and harlequin girls.: she might
[08:59] • Mary.• testosterone boys and harlequin girls.: i hope
::
[09:18] • Mary.• testosterone boys and harlequin girls.: owhyeah
[09:18] • Mary.• testosterone boys and harlequin girls.: wait
[09:18] • Mary.• testosterone boys and harlequin girls.: tat wad u cn do
[09:18] • Mary.• testosterone boys and harlequin girls.: b thre 4 her
[09:18] • Mary.• testosterone boys and harlequin girls.: show her tat care
[09:18] • Mary.• testosterone boys and harlequin girls.: faith wil come ur way

Mary's giving me hopes. I'm so confused right now. I want to run away and tell her. But my mind won't allow me.

I Can Love You Easy

We've been connected all this time
By an invisible string attadhed
from your heart to mine
We circle the obvious like
satelites that roam around the earth
No. I'm never gonna let you go.

I can love you easy
If you give me the chance
Suddenly we feel so close
And it happens so fast
Let's take tonight
This heart can't lie believe me
Baby I can love you easy.

I hear You speak
And its like a song
The funny thing is
I think we both knew it all along
We circle each other just like
Children on a crowded carousel
Oh, its a story we have to tell.

We got so used to thinking
that one is always far
Love has a way of knowing
exactly where you are.

Faith as I see it

2007-02-13T18:44:00.000+08:00

I can't seem to find my way to school anymore! My tourist guide Aynee left the country and I'm like totally lost. At least now she's back--alive and kicking. Having curls too, looks like the wedding did her something weird huh. Congratulations to her Ayi :)

Friday was the result of the O levels. Actually I don't have one (stuck in TAIWAN). I went to RGS to have all eyes glared upon me. Apparently Aynee had the brilliant idea of sending me to get her results to an ALL-GIRLS SCHOOL. Funny huh. Everyone must have thought I mistaked RGS for RI. Or I must be some girl who turned to look like a boy after entering JC. I hope you RGS girls don't get the notion that RJC turn round people's genders.

I would like to congratulate Aynee and Cait (the only people whom entrusted me with their results) for getting great results. Aynee scored 9 pts for her L1R5 and Cait had 12 pts. Intelligent ladies. Now I'm starting to think that Singaporeans are not only lovely but pretty smart as well:)

Anyway, I think JC1 people are not really facing up to their lessons as most are nervous about O level results. That's been noticed by most teachers, so this week has been very loose on us. We only had PE for swimming, Literature, Biology, and Econ. Oh yes, I nearly drowned trying to swim. Okay let's not recall the embarassing moment.

It's Valentines tomorrow. Am I excited? I don't know. Lame huh? Yes. Coz I never got to ask her to be my date. So bad. So paiseh. Anyway it's often always said that regrest come at the end. So true. If I had just been a little manly I should have gotten her this Valentines. She might as well have him for her date now. And how he so undeserves her. If only she's unhappy. Man, it kills. My first love, my first heartbreak.

Someone asked me out. Embarassing!!!!!! Some JC2 girls! They had to ask me at the canteen? I'm embarassed to death, I simply wanted to melt and be invisible. I'm sorry I have to decline, I just really have to spend it with her(dreaming). Okay so I won't be able to, but I'll greet her at the very least:) Can I be your knight for once? Can you allow me to be your prince for even just a day? Can I?

So a very Happy Valentines to everyone, may you enjoy it as much as I won't :(

Before love, my heart was a blackhole. After love, I didn't have a heart. I'm not really sure which is better.

I sing for you

2007-02-06T19:13:00.000+08:00

It never occurred to me I'd fall so deep for someone like you. I never thought the day I met you that you would be everything I would ever want. And though how much I wish my heart could speak what it truly feels, though how much I wish that I would be the one holding you in my arms, I know it just can't be true. Every time I look in your eyes I can see my reflection--as a friend, nothing more. Sometimes I look into them as deeply as I can, hoping to see in them my importance...But I cannot seem to find me anywhere. As I look into your eyes I only see someone else being there—not me. But him. Once, I wanted to cheat forever to make you mine—perhaps if I managed to turn back time you would have loved me instead. But I cannot. I want to be your knight in shining armour but your prince charming has already arrived. To see you happy is the greatest sight I could ever lay my eyes on but as I see you being with someone else my heart breaks apart. In silence I will stand here waiting, and if your prince charming ever leaves you, rest assured that I will stand guard. I will be your knight. WAIT FOR ME. Just wait for me...will you?

Unbelievable
-Craig David
Always said I would know where to find love,
Always thought I'd be ready and strong enough,
But some times I just felt I could give up.
But you came and changed my whole world now,
I'm somewhere I've never been before.
Now I see, what love means.

[Chorus]

It's so unbelievable,
And I don't want to let it go,
Something so beautiful,
Flowing down like a waterfall.
I feel like you've always been,
Forever a part of me.
And it's so unbelievable to finally be in love,
Somewhere I'd never thought I'd be.

In my heart, in my head, it's so clear now,
Hold my hand you've got nothing to fear now,
I was lost and you've rescued me some how-.
I'm alive, I'm in love you complete me,
And I've never been here before.
Now I see, what love means.

[Chorus]

When I think of what I have, and this chance I nearly lost,
I cant help but break down, and cry.
Ohh yeah, break down and cry.

[Chorus]

Now I see, what love means

Breathe in Breathe out

2007-02-03T18:52:00.000+08:00

It has been a week since my last post. Or be frank, 6 days. The week has been cool, classes were always fun and not much homework were given by our teachers. =) I played Basketball on Tuesday. I nearly died. I got knocked over and could not breathe. Thank God Shirley was there and called Aynee (who was busy chasing Chun over at Changi). I was rushed to Raffle's (We shout really be shouting 'Raffles Forever'). Was held there until the following day but was released and managed to survive (nine lives). All the while Shirley and Aynee took turns taking care of me and I mustn't have survived without them. Xie Xie Ni =)

Time flies so fast. In no time, the 3 month JC would be going and I have to decide which route to take. So far, the best option would be going with Aynee to England. Although it would be great to continue staying at RJC and being the dust bin emptier forever. Seems cool huh? Wait till you do it yourself. I think I'd rather be a photographer than that. (I take it back now.)

I was wondering how to spend my Valentines Day, as everyone around is eager for it already. So far, I'm quite confused about anything and everything else. I do not have a Valentines Date. I think I'm the only person without one, although it doesn't really matter. Even Shirley has been booked by some blind person (kidding. Okay so I know my sister is pretty, FOR THE TIME BEING. Haha). Even the people at school are carrying cards and flowers and red hearted box or whatsoever you call it around. I'm not excited about Valentines although I very much have someone to ask out already. =) The thing is, I haven't asked her or brought up the topic yet. I wish she'd pick me although I bet she wouldn't as there's someone better who'd ask her out. Someone who'd be willing to take photos with her and be sweet. Blah.

Everytime I see her walk past

Look her from the school nearby

Don't know why I kind of feel shy

But all I wanna do

Is make her mine

I told her I wanna be friends

She smiled and she asked for my name

Though I'm not her favourite star

And mingo link my dearest friend

I wanna be with you

You are so beautiful

You're the girl I knew in wonderland

You're the dearest friend I ever knew

I wanna hold your hand

Be my wed when I'm a man

All I can afford to buy you now

Is a bar of candy chocolate

And I hope you will be my wife

Everytime we study together

She will tell me how good I am

Nothing beats my inner prayer

I wonder how sweet she compared

Luck

2007-01-28T09:33:00.000+08:00

Do post titles exist only by a word? I did at least. Yesterday was games day! For me and Shirley! Mom was busy with her yoga (she wants to extend her life to see me "have my own family"). Hahaha lame. So we went to Singapore Zoo. I can't believe Shirley looked like most of the animals there. I went beside the ostrich and I think it wanted to eat me right there and then that I dropped my phone. Splat. I heard several ladies talking about fahrenheit too, and I was halfway texting Aynee when I remembered I threw her phone a few weeks back and it's still bein repaired. =) After drinking enough soda and eating hotdogs with my dear sister, we went back home to find mom still trying to lengthen her life span. We played chess for a while (with some money involved), I hope I don't get jailed for this =( I won $50!!! Tnx Shirley! I swear it was a hard game, but because Shirley keeps keeping her mind on the game and on something else (this might be money), she kept making the wrong moves so I had my chance HUGE! =) I must play with her more often to get more money. This is luck =)

Ni hao

2007-01-27T12:40:00.000+08:00

This blog is for my therapy. Aynee told me to do this, so I did. I don't really expect anyone to read my blog, but it's a whole lot better. Intro? I'm Joseph. 16. Taiwanese (so you guessed). A Rafflesian. Has one older sister named Shirley. What am I to say? Shy? a little. Silent. I am camera-phobic. And an introvert, that's why I'm doing some therapy. But I can be deadly. I want to be some special someone's knight. =)

Supposing this is a blog for its real purpose, let me recall my week. Monday I went early. I reached RJC and everyone wasn't there yet. I started reading the math book as we'd be having homework exams. Aynee arrived looking ghastly than ever (good thing I didn't shout). She seemed not herself whole day so I was awkward during classes. Did we have something for lunch? No no. She didn't eat anything so I did not too. Why are ladies like that eh? Then after school we went to NUS to get Shirley. So my elder sister is such a scaredy cat she still needs us to fetch her. =p She went off with friends though, so I volunteered to send the ill-looking, nearly fainting Aynee home. We were passing by their Basketball court when Shawn met her. They went off together. So I stayed to watch some guys playing. After what seemed like eternity, she finally went back, her eyes looking like she hadn't slept for weeks. I asked her.

::What happened?
::Nothing.
::What did you do?
::Rub his hair.
::Eh?

Went home with her. Mom was the happiest person when she saw Aynee. They did some Yoga together with Shirley who just arrived with the heaviest necklace on earth. I played some comp games. We went out for dinner, Ice cream. Yikes. I wanted MC. Tuesday I went to lunch with mom at Yoshinoya. I had to spent the whole afternoon touring around Orchard. Actually the day was boring. Night went well, I went out with the guys who were nice to offer me a night out! Wednesday I didn't go to school, I stayed at home to tidy my room. No, shirley's room not mine! I think it's tiring. I had to change shirt five times and mom had to yell at me five times. Nice. Thursday we played basketball to Aynee's annoyance, who mkes me worry about her now. She looks very depressed nowadays, and she doesn't stop ballet. I never thought anyone could have such strength without a week's food. Basketball has been fun, though the ball really had to bounce on my head. Stayed up at school late and played till we're drenched pigs.

Yesterday was Ken and Sir Min's birthday, so we celebrated at school. Had cakes and desserts and everyone ate except Aynee, again. They took a lot of photos which drove me away, so I opted to take a walk on the grounds. She basically had my whole shoulder wet, and my whole hand numb. Ah ma came and asked me if I made her cry, everybody now thinks so eh? So bad. I went to orchard to get Aynee's cam. The assistant there asked me to try it!!! I think I nearly got sick and wanted to vomit when I heard those words. =(